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I just went to lunch with a couple of friends, one of whom is putting the finishing touches on her upcoming spring wedding, the other who is both attending and standing up in more weddings than is normal in life, and we started to have a pretty worked up conversation about all the stress that other people bring to the planning of a wedding. Of course there are exceptions to this, especially if money is involved. But for the most part, I really do think that brides shouldn’t be making too many concessions for the people around them. And I’m a really giving and accommodating person. I just happen to believe that a bride’s wedding day is just that. Her day. And she should be able to have the day that she has been envisioning. Not the day you have been envisioning.

It’s so sad to me when all the pre-engagement enthusiasm and excitement just disappears and is replaced with the constant stress and need for a bride to appease everyone but herself and her groom.

This is not typical stress brought on by her own indecision with bridesmaid dress colors, or table linens, or what song she will walk down the aisle to.

No, this stress is brought on by the “we thought this day was all about us” people.

Seriously?

You and your overbearing opinions…

Back. off.

I’m not even kidding.

You’re allowed to have an opinion if your bride wants to walk down the dress in a neon pink dress with a yellow sash carrying a bouquet of dead roses.

Actually no. You don’t even get an opinion then. You know why?

IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.

Your role in this day is to be supportive, and helpful, and that’s it.

If she wants to know what you think… she’ll ask. And if she doesn’t, and is clearly happy in that floor length lace dress instead of a full on ball gown that you had your heart set on… keep it to yourself.

This is not your wedding. You had yours, or you’ll get yours, and you can and will and should do everything YOU want to do.

But this is not that day.

This is her day.

And what she really, really doesn’t need is you, guest of the groom’s brother calling, after receiving your invitation, to ask if it’s ok if you bring your new boyfriend.

You know the one you’ve been dating for three weeks?

Yeah…

No.

Not ok.

At all.

You either get a date or you don’t. And while I typically believe that after a certain age, most of the invites should land in the latter column, regardless, it’s expensive to have a wedding, and you can’t always roll the way you want to.

If you don’t get a plus one… you do not. DO NOT. go asking for one.

Besides if the person you were dating was special enough in your world, and you’re in turn special enough in the world of the person whose wedding you are attending… odds are they’d already be invited.

There is a reason you were asked to be in this wedding, or attend this wedding. It’s because the bride and groom think you are important enough to stand up with them, or be there to witness the most important day of their lives.

It’s not about you.

It’s about them. And it’s an honor, not a chore.

So quit your whining.

You know what is just so annoying? People showing up to events who are just not invited.

I’m not talking about the occasional “Wedding Crasher” in the Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson sense of the word, I’m talking about people who are invited to a function and bring “extras” with them.  A plus one they weren’t offered, their 18-year-old daughter who they believes they technically belong at the “adult only reception…no, no.

This is so tacky. Complaining to a couple that you don’t get a plus-one, or showing up with extra family members causes so much stress on the bride & groom, not to mention the wedding planner or facilities manager who now has to find a place for these people to sit and something for them to eat. And really, who wants to be standing in the back because they aren’t listed at a table when the bridal party is being announced? How awkward is that?

Listen, if you get an oversized envelope in the mail and it’s addressed to YOU and no one else. Don’t bring someone with you. It’s obnoxious and makes for a really uncomfortable situation at the event.

A friend of mine invited a specific number of guests to her shower.  Two women called to see if their 18-year-old daughters could come. Well one called and asked, the other just showed up.  It made for an uncomfortable situation at the shower and the bride had to explain to the one guest that the other had just brought her daughter and she wasn’t technically invited.  THEN … later seperate phone calls had to be made to both guests to explicitly tell these women that no, their children are not welcome at this adult only reception.

Since when is this not clear? I was completely blown away by this story…You are a GUEST at this person’s wedding… there’s not a negotiation process.

I worked another wedding once where two people, who were not invited to the wedding, showed up and acted as though they were guests.  I think the man actually said to me, ” I can’t believe we don’t have seats.” I knew they weren’t on the list, and I knew they were crashers, but in the interest of everyone’s sanity and pride, we had to literally set 2 more places at an 8-top table that was already set for 10. Talk about tight…

Those two  were fish at the bar all night too. It was unreal.

Just advise people against doing this. As a bridesmaid you’re technically on deck to help wherever necessary and sometimes it’s having a rather uncomfortable conversation with an overly eager guest and their additional uninvited guests…but sometimes it has to be done.  Weddings are expense, and if you weren’t invited… there’s a damn good reason for it.  Don’t push it.

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