Ok. I am not an atheist, but in truth, I’m not a very good practicing Catholic. I go to church on Christmas Eve and Easter and any occasional Sunday I find myself in my hometown sitting next to my parents. It’s not because I don’t believe in God. I do believe in something, I just don’t think I necessarily need to show up every Sunday to prove it to to the world. I have a very good idea of my own faith and really, that’s what I need to get up everyday. So we’re all good.

Plus, the last few times I’ve gone to church the deacon did a whole lot of screaming about why we’re all bad people for not coming to mass enough, so me and the deacon…we’re takin’ a little break. After all, a good priest can make or break your Sunday mass right? I had a great priest in Boston… Father John. Now, HE was a good guy. Almost brought me back…. I digress. The reason for this religious rant is that there’s a new book out by Candice Watters called, “Get Married. What Women Can Do to Help it Happen.” Now, something tells me you’re not going to find this next to “He’s Just Not That into You,” or my new favorite book that’s set to hit bookstores next month, “The Best day of Someone Else’s Life.” (You’ll get a review on that one a little later). But, I thought I would share a few of Ms. Watter’s pointers which she directs toward “single [I’m assuming practicing, Christian] women who want to marry,” with you and give her some of my own bridesmaid banter.

  • Live a godly life, devoted to loving and obeying God.
    I love men. I don’t obey them, but I love them.
  • Stay out of debt.
    Marrying for money’s out?! Damn.
  • Watch your attitude about men so it doesn’t become too critical.
    WAYYYY too late for that.
  • Openly express your beliefs about marriage.
    Preferably on the first date so you can get everything out of the way right there at the beginning.
  • Be a good steward of everything you own—your body, time, money, attitude.
    Ok- I’ll give her that one. No one likes a girl that doesn’t give a shit.
  • Stay far away from premarital sex—it isn’t going to help you marry well.
    About that…
  • Don’t procrastinate, assuming that it is as good to marry at 32 as it would be at 22.
    Pretty sure people marry at lots of ages all the time. Can we cross check the divorce rate with this one?
  • Don’t aim so high—not every one marries their “soul mate.”
    Yeah, it’s a much better idea to settle. Please girls… lower your expectations.
  • Develop a multi-generational network of people who may be able to introduce you to potential gentlemen.
    So you better not wait till you’re 32, but be open to dating men anywhere from 16 to 92. Oh wait.
  • Include your parents in your network, and ask them to pray with you about finding a husband.
    Parents are doers. Let’s be honest. Praying isn’t gonna do it for them. If they find you a potential husband, you’re gonna hear about it.
  • There may come a point in a relationship when you have to force the issue—don’t let a guy hang around too long without stating his intentions.
    Marry me or we’re done. Anybody see that movie, “Love Stinks.” I don’t think that works out so well.
  • Don’t stay in a going-nowhere relationship, even if it means being alone for a while.
    True. Get out and move on to bigger and hotter things.
  • Pray boldly. Don’t pray like you’re apologizing for wanting the good thing God created.
    God created A LOT of very, very good things… But, we’re supposed to be praying for just the ONE right?
    Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. This just happens to be mine. Take it or leave it. But try to laugh…. You can’t take yourself too seriously. There are no deadlines for your life. If you’re too busy planning things for later you tend to miss a lot of the important things happening right now. Hope the planning is going well girls.

    It’s kick-off weekend for the start of my own personal wedding season Saturday and this one promises everything from photo booths and caricature artists to an open bar and a full 500 person guest list to enjoy it with!

    It’s going to be like going to a bar mitzvah at Six Flags! More on Monday!